You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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