She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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