It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
