Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
