just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
