im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
