So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
