and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
