I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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