Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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