God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
