i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
