I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
