Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
