So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
