Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
