my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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