this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
