We won't sleep together?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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