I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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