Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
