I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
