life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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