Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
