I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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