better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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