I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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