oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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