i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
