You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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