Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
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I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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