i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
