I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize