my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
