I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Your cock deserves a montage
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
