would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
