he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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