His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
