It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
