don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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