Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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