: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
