dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
