she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
