you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
