no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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