if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
