i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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