Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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