Got a toothbrush?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
