You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
