In the future we'll all be gay
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
