it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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