I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
