I am midnight drunk by noon
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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